Seeping Bones
by perforatedink
Summary: We all have our monsters. Some may seem trivial compared to others, but they are all equally destructive. Bella Swan has monsters of her own, ones that control over her life. Will anyone notice? Will anyone care? This is the story of a different Bella, an Imperfect Bella. (Eating disorder and depression based) - "chapters" will be light.
1. Chapter 1

It was the first day of school since I have moved to forks – a clean slate.

I put on a black loose long-sleeved shirt, and a pair of sweatpants. I am determined to make friends, or _attempt_ to, as I promised Charlie I would. My hair was damp as I brushed through my curls, I let it down to obscure my face behind these black curtains of hair.

I was disappointed and relieved simultaneously as I sat alone at lunch time where no one seemed to notice the new addition to their small-populated school, I haven't been approached by anyone but Miss Susan, my now music class teacher. Being invisible is somewhat a comfort I have grown to love; not having to feel the pressure of keeping up a conversation, or thinking of my next words, or even turning bright red under someone's stare as they analyse my every little flaw visible to them.

I sat down with my tray of food: a beef lasagne (575), a raspberry muffin (250), and a diet coke (0). I picked up my coke and pushed the tray away from me; I mustn't keep it close in case I lose a sense of my control. I am schedule-oriented; I will lose control when I allow myself to at specific times. As I twisted open my diet coke, I saw him at the corner of my eyes. A porcelain-like boy starring at me, not breaking his gaze even after our eyes met and I shifted away in response. It made me feel too self-conscious now to drink my coke, he is most likely counting every flaw I possess and is judging me silently. For the brief second I looked at him, his expression was almost confused, or perhaps disgusted, as if frowning at my arrival.

I looked down on my hands, and suddenly felt extremely vulnerable; I wasn't as invisible as I hoped. I pulled down the sleeves over my scabby hands, disposed of the tray and left for the restroom. I have decided to sit here until the bell rang and I get to be away from his unbreakable gaze.

I found my way to biology and silently sat myself in the only empty stool available. I did not look up at all, avoiding meeting anyone's stare and hoped that I will not have to make small talk with whomever is unlucky enough to be my lab partner. Mr Banner announced that we would be examining onion roots today in _teamwork_ , the very thing I have been dreading about biology.

I still kept my gaze on my books until the microscope was pushed towards me on the table. I looked up to see the angel-like boy from the cafeteria sat as far on the edge as the table would allow, clutching his nose with one hand as if he had to dig up manoeuvre and is horrified by the smell.

 _I must smell,_ I thought to myself. _I should have brought a spear shirt. I must be reeking of body odor right now. Of course I am you idiot, as fat as I am, of course I would be reeking._

I suddenly wanted to run out class, he started clutching the table and I did not dare meet his gaze again, I gently took the microscope, examined it, and pushed it back. I have to get out, how did I let myself get in a situation like this, where my mere existence is bothersome. I raised my hand, feeling my face radiating with heat, and asked to be excused for the restroom. I did not take my things, I just wanted out, and I won't be coming back.

I half-ran to my car, turned the heater on and put it on drive. I drove home as fast as I could, and hopped into the shower. I scrubbed my body over and over until my skin was red and irritated in an attempt to scrub off what is under my skin. The look he had on his face, that disgusted, murderous look. I scrubbed harder at the thought and put on a fresh pair of pyjamas and went to sleep mid-day, hoping I'd never see tomorrow.

Charlie's shifts start at 6 in the morning, whereas I don't leave until 7:30. So for the rest of the week, I have been pretending to be going to school without Charlie's consent, deleting all calls from school off of his voice mail. I promised myself that I would start attending once I drop three pounds, three to make up for the incident in biology lab.

Instead of going to school, once Charlie leaves for work, I put on my polar heart rate and calorie monitor, and go on for long walks in the woods, sometimes in circles, just enough to burn 800 calories before I was supposed to be back from school. I would cook dinner for Charlie, and leave a plate smudged with food stains in the sink for him to see.

Monday – I have managed to drop 4.2 lbs., I would be going to school today. I made sure I packed an extra shirt this time that I would change into before biology, and a concentrated perfume that Renee got me and I found no use for until now.

At lunchtime, I found myself an empty table without bothering to pick up any food this time. Feeling slightly faint when suddenly the chair in front of was pulled by a ceramic hand and a sweet velvety voice said "Hello."


	2. Chapter 2

At lunchtime, I found myself an empty table and without bothering to pick up any food this time, I faintly took a seat, when suddenly a ceramic hand pulled the chair in front of me and a sweet velvety voice said "Hello."

I looked up to a pair of golden brown eyes looking down on me. I pulled down the sleeves over my hands, "I-I'm sorry, I d-didn't realize this table was reserved" I stuttered, dazzled by his gaze, and quickly rose to my feet.

Before I realized it, my ankle got caught up on the chair's leg, and I was about to trip when he automatically caught and steadied me. I flinched away from his unexpected touch, his hand, like dry ice, left a stinging burn on my shoulder.

"No, please. Sit down" he said politely through gritted teeth, and I felt obliged to obey. "I did not introduce myself to you last time, I am Edward Cullen."

 _Last time,_ my face turned hot as I remembered our first encounter, _probably because my foul smell was too strong and you couldn't breathe, I'm sorry,_ I wanted to say, but bit back my tongue.

The name Cullen rang a bell, "My dad is very fond of yours" I said. Charlie always spoke highly of Dr Carlisle Cullen, of how he could have worked at any hospital worldwide, but still chose to stay in Forks.

"And you are Sheriff Swan's daughter, Isabella Swan." It wasn't a question, he stated it matter-of-factly.

"No." I replied and watched disappointment replace his once stiff poker face. "I mean, yes, but no. It's Bella, just Bella." I corrected. "How did you know?" I haven't introduced myself to anyone, did Charlie boast about my arrival?

I hadn't noticed until now, but he replaced a blue folder labelled _**Isabella Swan – Biology C104**_ on the table along a brown pencil case, both which I had left behind when I ditched class on the first day.

Eyes were all on our table, students looking back and forth at Edward and I. I was now very self-aware of my protruding thighs, and I had the urge to hide from him, from everyone. I made sure my knuckles were covered before I grabbed my folder, thanked him and got up to leave.

As I stood up abruptly for the second time, I felt a thud against my chest and my heart started to slow down. My eyes were wide open, but patches of white replaced my vision. My throat started tightening and my lungs felt clogged.

I clumsily sat myself right back down; I have been through this enough times before to know that my blood pressure has dropped.

"Bella, are you okay?" the musical voice asked, it heard closer to my ear now, "I am taking you the nurse." He said with real concern in his voice.

I put my head down on the table and through wheezing breaths I said, "No, it's okay. I just need.. electrolytes and.. salt" it was getting harder to breathe now, as if my lungs have been filled to the brim with tiny little beads, and air has to seep through the reamed holes.

Still unable to see, I felt his cold hand burning under mine, and I was too weak to argue now. He supported my weight and lifted me up by his side. I lost sensation of my limbs, and now that I was standing, my weak heartbeat will not be able to bump enough blood flow to my brain. I knew what was coming next, "Edward, I…" and everything went black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Writer's note: Hello. Sorry for the interruption. I would just like to thank you all for leaving me feedback, I have never written anything before in my life, I have always been a reader, so please feel free to criticize my writing. I do not know where I am going with this story, and I realize that** **this Bella** **is not everyone's cup of tea, but if you find yourself in these pages, I hope it can help you. Kisses.**

My head felt groggy as I heard distant humming, every hum was gradually amplified and it all echoed together now; I focused my hearing on the most beautiful sound of all, and made out a few words.

"…. Hypotension and hypernatremia… she needs IV fluids… take her to see my father."

I felt something tighten around my forearm; I opened my eyes to find myself in the nurses' office, laid on the school's recovery couch. The female school nurse was measuring my blood pressure, with Edward right next to her. I hated the attention. I don't like an audience, no matter how small. Luckily, she didn't feel the need to raise my sleeve, but cuffed over it, and I sighed in relieve.

"I'm- I'm fine" I mumbled, my tongue felt heavy. I didn't need to go a hospital, not where Charlie will inevitably hear about it. I have been through this enough to know how to deal with it. I needed to get home.

"Bella, you had a syncope episode and your heart is dangerously beating 36 beats per min-"

"You don't know that!" I cut him off, how could he possibly know that? But just then the blood pressure monitor beeped, and the nurse read aloud " 89 over 56, 36 BPM. I'm sorry Bella, but Edward is right, you need medical attention if we fail to raise it up."

The nurse left the room, whispering under her breath, "what a charming boy… smart like his father…"

Edward still stood there with the familiar look on his face, disgust or hatred, perhaps both. I didn't understand his expression. Why was he here at all if I was vile to him?

"Thanks for bringing me here, but you can go now" I said coldly, and hid both my hands under the white blanket provided.

"Don't be ridiculous, I am taking you to my father" he said through gritted teeth, but softened his expression. I didn't want to argue, he was dazzling and intimidating, but I had to avoid the hospital at all costs, too much could be exposed to Charlie, I couldn't risk it.

"With all due respect, I don't need to see your father, what I need is-"

"Electrolytes and salt" he cut me off, attempting to hold back a grin but failing.

"Yes." I said very slowly, "I'm dehydrated, I know I am." And I wasn't lying, I'm very familiar with these episodes, they are part of my routine now.

The nurse came back now with a drink and more papers to fill. I took a sip of what seemed to be tomato juice, _17 calories, high in sodium,_ I thought, _I'll be out in no time._ Edward now had a full grin on his face, holding back chuckles, as if something about my sight was amusing him right now. I blushed, suddenly too self-conscious to finish my drink; _I am not worthy of it_.

"Alright Bella, whenever you are feeling better, I will need to take your medical history." The nurse said just as another student entered the room carried by two other students, apparently he had slipped and twisted his ankle. "Oh dear, oh dear" the nurse panicked.

"I will take it from here." Edward told her as she handed him the papers and went to examine the other student.

"What, no!" I refused but Edward ignored my objection and went to fill in my details. To my surprise, he filled in my birthday on his own, and I stared blankly at him, confused. No one knew my birthdate, it was never a big deal in my life, and everyone treated it as just another day. How he has known, I do not know.

I continued to stare at him, as he so fluently ran the pen across the paper not once stopping, until suddenly his hand flinched at a question, and he frowned at himself, as if he was sitting a test and wasn't expecting this one to come up.

He looked up, "Do you happen to have any medical conditions?" he asked softly, his golden brown eyes looking straight into mine.

"Um, well, I'm anaemic" I answered, dazzled by his eyes. I wondered if they had the same affect on the nurse as well.. "Iron deficiency" I added before he could ask.

He looked even more confused now, and frowned at himself.

"What?" I asked

"Do you eat _enough_ meat, Bella?" He asked, with a hint of sadness in his tone that I couldn't make sense of.

"No, I'm- well I'm vegetarian" but before he could say something else, I went on "but, to be fair, I've always been anaemic, before deciding that meat wasn't a necessity to be killing lives over." I felt stupid now, and regretted talking. I must sound silly to him; this extremely bright gentleman with one of the best doctors as a parent and the same potential career for himself was listening to my inferior reasoning of why I cut out meat from my diet.

But he pushed for more, "You are anaemic, Bella. You need to add a significant source of iron in your diet, or you will potentially have another fainting episode because your blood-" he stopped abruptly, and sat rigid in his chair.

"Because my blood what?" I pushed, but he shook his head and went back to fill the paper and we both fell silent.

Another nurse came in to measure my blood pressure yet again, and as I predicted, it went up. It still wasn't in normal range, but it was good enough to be discharged from the nurses' office.

I gathered my things, and went to get into my truck. But I searched every pocket on my jeans and backpack; my keys were nowhere to be found. I was just about to go back inside to look for them when Edward walked towards me, "You will be riding with me today, I can't let you drive in this condition." He said, and I was confused yet once more. _Edward Cullen is driving me home, but he hates me._ "I can't, my keys, I need to drive my truck _but I lost my keys_ and Charlie will ask questions" but I looked up to see him smiling, enjoying my little tough situation.

"Relax, I gave your keys to my sister Alice, she will drive your.. _truck_.. back while you ride with me."

I have never seen any of Edwards's family, I haven't been attending school much after all, and I wondered if they were all as bright as the other two Cullen's.

I clumsily followed Edward to his car, which I come to learn is a black Volvo. He held open the passenger door for me to get in. I placed my backpack between my legs and buckled up. I felt sick to my stomach now, I was dreading making conversation. Edward made it easy to talk because I didn't have to stress over what I was going to say, but sometimes I regret the words once I have said them. My words seemed insignificant compared to his, so I hoped for a silent drive.

We drove past the turn to my house "Edward, you missed my turn. Take the next U-turn," I instructed, but he just smiled and said, "We are not going to your house, not yet Bella. I made arrangement with my father to examine you in our house." And a rush of panic overwhelmed me as we enter a new part of town.


	4. Chapter 4

We drove into a new part of town and panic jolted down my spine. I've heard nothing but the best of Dr Carlisle, which only fuelled my anxiety. Surely he would see right through my swollen glands, my puffy face, and my bruised knuckles. Not to mention my scars, old and new; hews of white and pink zigzagging across my left arm. Seeing Edward's father could result not only in Charlie's destruction, but also for Edward, the only person I know at school, to find out.

"Edward, stop. STOP THE CAR!" I almost couldn't recognize my tone; panic and fear overwhelmed me. "Edward, I am NOT going to see your father" I said, quivering as I opened the passenger's door with tingling hands, but Edward already managed to walk over to my side.

"Bella, calm down. You're shaking." He said but I made my way out of the car and started walking down the road, holding back tears. I was certain I would not show my face again in school, not after embarrassing myself like this. I would have to call Renee and book the next flight home. I can after all live alone; I've always been the one to take care of myself without an adult. Surely Renee and Charlie would understand and consent to this.

Edward was effortlessly keeping up with my pace, calling my name multiple times as I quietly looked ahead and ignored his gaze. "Bella, please talk to me. I won't force you to see my father. Get in the car and I will drive you home." I felt very childish at this point, it has been a long day and I am being a burden on Edward right now. "Please, Bella." He said persuasively.

For his sake, I agreed and was glad to be back in his car where the heater defrosted my rigid body, my breathing steadied and I stopped shaking. Edward was quietly driving with his eyes fixed on the road, and I seized the chance to look at him. I have never said this about anyone before, but he was truly beautiful.

"You were gone." Edward broke the silence. "What?" I asked, taken aback by his statement.

"You were gone for four days. Why?" his tone was flat and he kept his gaze on the road. I didn't know how to answer him, what would I say? That I had to shed a few pounds before I would allow myself to go back to school? But just then I thought of few excuses I could say, but I didn't want to lie, not to him.

He patiently waited for an answer as I racked my brain. "I had a… situation… and I- I compensated for it." I chose my words carefully, answering as vague but as honest as I could. I watched his expression turn to confusion and I chuckled.

"What?" he asked, and his face was completely at loss, I chuckled even more. "You always do that," I said, "every time I explain something, you just get more confused."

"I find you difficult to understand, Bella. You're a book that I can't read." This wasn't news for me, if anyone could in fact read me, I would be in a padded cell right about now. "You're not supposed to understand me." I replied, and tucked my hands under my sleeves. Edward turned his gaze on me and away from the road and I fiddled with my sleeves until we arrived at my house.

"How are you feeling now, Bella?" he asked but got out of the car and sprinted to my side before I could answer. "I'm fine, _really_. Thanks Edward, but you don't have to worry." I answered as he opened the passenger door for me and I got out of the car. I made my way to the front door of my house when Edward called "Bella, please don't go into the woods alone." He said and before I could ask how he could have known, he's already gotten into his car.

Later that evening, Charlie left the house again to have dinner at Billy's. He had asked me to join him for Billy's infamous blueberry scones, but I declined to "catch up on school work". But truth be told, I was too fatigue for anything. I spent my day sleeping in until I physically couldn't sleep anymore.

I spent my night absent-mindedly starring at the T.V screen, and occasionally walking back-and-forth to the kitchen, opening the fridge and the freezer multiple times, and looking through all of the cupboards. I eventually rummaged through the fully stocked fridge for a strawberry yogurt (120). _You don't need this_ , I thought to myself but still tore back the lid, and grabbed a spoon. I slowly indulged into it, _you don't deserve this, put it down,_ but I kept eating. My body contradicted my mind. My brain wanted me to stop, but my body was acting against it; I was uncontrollably scooping in a bite after another until the pot was empty.

I walked back to fridge, my legs working on their own. I scanned the fridge for what seemed like an hour and grabbed last night's leftover dinner. I sat myself on the kitchen table and unfolded the foil to reveal baked potatoes, and roasted chicken. I set the chicken aside and made my way through the cold potatoes. My mind was screaming at me to stop, but with each bite I lost more control. This wasn't enough I needed more. My brain was foggy at this point and didn't feel like my own, I was dissociated from my head. I needed more, my rules and morals didn't matter, nothing did. I made my way to the roasted chicken I had set aside until nothing but bones was left of it.

This still wasn't enough, the more I ate, the more I craved. I spent the rest of the hour emptying the fridge. I finally took the last bites out of a cinnamon roll until I couldn't eat anymore. Full and sick to my stomach, I analysed the kitchen table; it was scattered with wrappers and spilled food. I stuffed my mouth with everything from peas, rice, and cereal to ice cream, sweets and chips.

I went upstairs to the only bathroom in the house, and looked at myself in the mirror. I lifted my shirt to expose an extremely bloated stomach, pinching and pulling every part of my body. I took my clothes off and weighted myself; I have put on 5lbs within an hour. _You idiot_ , I thought myself, _you ruined it all, you ruin everything._

Disgusted and fuming with self-hatred, I jugged down as much water as my stomach would allow and made my way to toilet. While sat on my knees with my hair tied up, I aggressively rubbed the back of my tongue with my index and let it all out, the hate, the sorrow, the anger, I was choking on it, I was getting rid of it all.


End file.
